December 2024:

Tradition and Change

Holidays are wonderful, but they can also be a lot of work, a source of stress, and a test of patience. For people who have lost a loved one it can be an emotional roller coaster of bittersweet memories or harsh realities. No matter who you are, a day will come when someone is missing from your holiday table.

Sometimes, someone’s death can mean the breakdown of a family held together only by that person. Their passing might also lead to new traditions and even turn the holidays into a time of comfort where their memories are shared. People die and children are born but what often stands the test of time beyond a person, a family or a generation is the food of their heritage.

My mother once told me you can always spot peasant food: cheap ingredients and lots of work. Sounds like latkes to me. Holiday foods are steeped in tradition, both religious and personal. The oil that sizzles the latkes tells the story of Hanukkah, while the recipe itself reveals the history of the cook and their family.

There is a story about a family where they always cut the roast in half, but they don’t know why. When the daughter asks her mother she says, “because that is how my mother did it.” So, the daughter asks the grandmother, and she says, “because that is how my mother did it.”  So, the daughter asks her great-grandmother, and she says, “because the only pot I had was too small for the roast.”

When those foods you grew up with don’t happen it can feel like the holiday didn’t happen, even more so when someone you love is missing. Sometimes the person missing from the table is you and that is ok too. There are years and there are times when the best thing you can do for your own health is to choose not to be a part of your family.

We can choose the family we have, not the one we are born into or even the one that raises us, but it isn’t true that you should withstand abuse for the sake of family. A healthy family doesn’t allow continuous abusive behavior. I think it is important to know that you have a right to put the wellbeing of yourself and your children first. In fact, I would say it is not just a right, it is an obligation.

We should not be so afraid of change that we don’t ask why or venture to do things differently. Sometimes, it is as simple as a change to the recipe or creating a new tradition but other times it is a change in how you live your life and who you choose to share that life with.

This Hanukkah I hope you take the time to dedicate yourself to your own wellbeing, the people you love and fry a few latkes…or air fry, that counts right?

Rabbi Sarah Rensin
(503) 226-7079 ext. 740
rabbisarah@jfcs-potland.org

To read past blog posts, visit the Rabbi Rensin Corner archive here.